The Feeling

I don't know what I'm doing. Avoiding panic? Meltdown? I shouldn't be experiencing this unwanted rush of nerves and jitters, but I am.

I said "No." That's what I intended to do, meant to do, and did. The execution of such a response occurred, a little less gracefully than I would have liked, but I said it. I turned it down. It's what I wanted and needed to do.

So why am I freaking out?

I don't like telling people no. I don't like giving up opportunities even if I didn't necessarily want them in the first place. I like being the go-to-girl and the one who takes a burden off your shoulders or fills a gap that's empty. But I couldn't this time. It wasn't physically possible. Okay, so I could have done it. I have no doubts that I would have put my all into it should I have taken the chance, but I didn't want to.

I want to have a life. I want the opportunity to be cast. I want to have time for homework and friends. I want to be able to go to Lifegroup. I want to not be exhausted every day of the week. I want to be a normal college student, at least for a semester. Is that too much to ask?

I mean, I'm capable. I could pull it off. It would be a rush. I don't know if it would be fun, but it would be something new and different. But I need to let go. I needed to say no.Didn't I?

See? This is what I do. I talk myself into a frenzy, pile myself up with commitments and obligations and I pack my schedule full. I feel like if I don't, then I'm doing nothing with my life or disappointing someone. Not that I've had any measure of time where I haven't been ultra-committed in the past five and a half years to know what it's going to be like. It's new territory to be explored, and I'm scared to be honest.

So many decisions to make and answers to stick to. I just wish I had more clarity on this. Bah.

Until next time,

Bailey Jean
~And the picture isn't relevant at all. It was just precious.

Die Moldau

I am totally procrastinating at this point and I know it. It's nearly 12:30 in the morning and I am not even halfway done with this homework. Well, reading/studying. Not my fault that the music pieces I have to listen to and memorize are up to twelve minutes long a piece and there are seven of them! But it's such wonderful music, so I dont mind :)

Vltana (Die Moldau) by Smetana was one we listened to in my Intro to Music class and it is now among my favorite orchestral pieces. It sounds like something from the movie Sleeping Beauty, which I watched yesterday by the way. It tells a story and I can see every moment of it clearly when I listen to it. It's amazing.

Though I may be procrastinating now, this weekend was very productive and enjoyable. Friday night after Gypsy rehearsal, Martha, Nathan, and Hannah came over and we had a little sewing party. The girls made Baylor t-shirt dresses, Nathan made a belt, and I made a pillow. It was so much fun. I realized that I hadn't spent much time with Nathan and Martha outside of Sing practice and they are such splendid people. They make my heart smile :)

On Saturday, I went antiquing with Hannah and Morgan at Laverty's, Bumble & Bee Swanky, and Spice. I got some lovely decorations for the kitchen and we found some spiffy items for Morgan's room. I am sooo looking forward to going back. We've also decided that, since my hometown is the antique capital of the US, we'll be spending Fall Break at my house. I can't wait! Each of those girls hold a special place in my heart. Such shining women of God and blessings on my life. They are some of the best friends a girl could ask for.

Saturday night, Martha and Hannah came over again and more sewing ensued! Well, they sewed and I decorated/rearranged the kitchen. I am pretty happy with it if I do say so myself. And it was so inexpensive! That's my kind of decorating. The room looks so much more put-together and home-y. Just what we wanted.

Continuing on to Sunday, aka today or even yesterday at this point, Claire and I went to church then returned to the apartment with some cleaning on our minds. We cleaned/organized the downstairs before Druid and Sing meetings, watched a few movies, and now here I am, putting off my homework.

I really need to prioritize better. This week is going to be insane. It's tech week for Gypsy, I have a French test and a Theatre History test, as well as a Music quiz, production meeting, discipleship, the Shakespeare scenes performances, and the first Baylor Theatre Girls' Group meeting of the semester. So much to do! How on earth is all of this going to get done?

And did I mention that Martha has enlisted me to help her decorate her living/dining room? Design on a Dime Bailey-Style will be happening somewhere in the mix of all of this. Goodness gracious.

But what is life if not chaotic?
:)

I think it's time for homework though, so I'll leave you with a snap of the kitchen below. Enjoy!

It's amazing what a pair of shutters, some paint, a few wooden spoons and letters, clearance bulletin boards and an old set of blueprints can do to a formerly bland kitchen. Home sweet home.