The Feeling

I don't know what I'm doing. Avoiding panic? Meltdown? I shouldn't be experiencing this unwanted rush of nerves and jitters, but I am.

I said "No." That's what I intended to do, meant to do, and did. The execution of such a response occurred, a little less gracefully than I would have liked, but I said it. I turned it down. It's what I wanted and needed to do.

So why am I freaking out?

I don't like telling people no. I don't like giving up opportunities even if I didn't necessarily want them in the first place. I like being the go-to-girl and the one who takes a burden off your shoulders or fills a gap that's empty. But I couldn't this time. It wasn't physically possible. Okay, so I could have done it. I have no doubts that I would have put my all into it should I have taken the chance, but I didn't want to.

I want to have a life. I want the opportunity to be cast. I want to have time for homework and friends. I want to be able to go to Lifegroup. I want to not be exhausted every day of the week. I want to be a normal college student, at least for a semester. Is that too much to ask?

I mean, I'm capable. I could pull it off. It would be a rush. I don't know if it would be fun, but it would be something new and different. But I need to let go. I needed to say no.Didn't I?

See? This is what I do. I talk myself into a frenzy, pile myself up with commitments and obligations and I pack my schedule full. I feel like if I don't, then I'm doing nothing with my life or disappointing someone. Not that I've had any measure of time where I haven't been ultra-committed in the past five and a half years to know what it's going to be like. It's new territory to be explored, and I'm scared to be honest.

So many decisions to make and answers to stick to. I just wish I had more clarity on this. Bah.

Until next time,

Bailey Jean
~And the picture isn't relevant at all. It was just precious.