On This Winter's Night

Coming Soon :)

"Most of the time the world gets love between and man and a women all wrong. I am certain of this. There are countless movies about running after the one you love. Many characters run after someone else not caring about anything else. Movies portray that love is what is really considered obsession. If you think about someone day in and day out, they have become your obsession, your God. You could want to go after someone you think you love with all your heart, but if the Lord says no, than its a no. If you are willing to ignore what God is telling you to do or not to do. Tf you are willing to disobey was God says in His word, than that person has most certainly become your God. Don’t get me wrong, love does require sacrifice and desire and even passion, just in its own way. More important than chasing after someone you love, there is patience. more than your own desire, there is God’s desire; that is for you to be totally content and fulfilled in Him."
^Simply a quote I found and love. It is so very, very true.

The Feeling

I don't know what I'm doing. Avoiding panic? Meltdown? I shouldn't be experiencing this unwanted rush of nerves and jitters, but I am.

I said "No." That's what I intended to do, meant to do, and did. The execution of such a response occurred, a little less gracefully than I would have liked, but I said it. I turned it down. It's what I wanted and needed to do.

So why am I freaking out?

I don't like telling people no. I don't like giving up opportunities even if I didn't necessarily want them in the first place. I like being the go-to-girl and the one who takes a burden off your shoulders or fills a gap that's empty. But I couldn't this time. It wasn't physically possible. Okay, so I could have done it. I have no doubts that I would have put my all into it should I have taken the chance, but I didn't want to.

I want to have a life. I want the opportunity to be cast. I want to have time for homework and friends. I want to be able to go to Lifegroup. I want to not be exhausted every day of the week. I want to be a normal college student, at least for a semester. Is that too much to ask?

I mean, I'm capable. I could pull it off. It would be a rush. I don't know if it would be fun, but it would be something new and different. But I need to let go. I needed to say no.Didn't I?

See? This is what I do. I talk myself into a frenzy, pile myself up with commitments and obligations and I pack my schedule full. I feel like if I don't, then I'm doing nothing with my life or disappointing someone. Not that I've had any measure of time where I haven't been ultra-committed in the past five and a half years to know what it's going to be like. It's new territory to be explored, and I'm scared to be honest.

So many decisions to make and answers to stick to. I just wish I had more clarity on this. Bah.

Until next time,

Bailey Jean
~And the picture isn't relevant at all. It was just precious.

Die Moldau

I am totally procrastinating at this point and I know it. It's nearly 12:30 in the morning and I am not even halfway done with this homework. Well, reading/studying. Not my fault that the music pieces I have to listen to and memorize are up to twelve minutes long a piece and there are seven of them! But it's such wonderful music, so I dont mind :)

Vltana (Die Moldau) by Smetana was one we listened to in my Intro to Music class and it is now among my favorite orchestral pieces. It sounds like something from the movie Sleeping Beauty, which I watched yesterday by the way. It tells a story and I can see every moment of it clearly when I listen to it. It's amazing.

Though I may be procrastinating now, this weekend was very productive and enjoyable. Friday night after Gypsy rehearsal, Martha, Nathan, and Hannah came over and we had a little sewing party. The girls made Baylor t-shirt dresses, Nathan made a belt, and I made a pillow. It was so much fun. I realized that I hadn't spent much time with Nathan and Martha outside of Sing practice and they are such splendid people. They make my heart smile :)

On Saturday, I went antiquing with Hannah and Morgan at Laverty's, Bumble & Bee Swanky, and Spice. I got some lovely decorations for the kitchen and we found some spiffy items for Morgan's room. I am sooo looking forward to going back. We've also decided that, since my hometown is the antique capital of the US, we'll be spending Fall Break at my house. I can't wait! Each of those girls hold a special place in my heart. Such shining women of God and blessings on my life. They are some of the best friends a girl could ask for.

Saturday night, Martha and Hannah came over again and more sewing ensued! Well, they sewed and I decorated/rearranged the kitchen. I am pretty happy with it if I do say so myself. And it was so inexpensive! That's my kind of decorating. The room looks so much more put-together and home-y. Just what we wanted.

Continuing on to Sunday, aka today or even yesterday at this point, Claire and I went to church then returned to the apartment with some cleaning on our minds. We cleaned/organized the downstairs before Druid and Sing meetings, watched a few movies, and now here I am, putting off my homework.

I really need to prioritize better. This week is going to be insane. It's tech week for Gypsy, I have a French test and a Theatre History test, as well as a Music quiz, production meeting, discipleship, the Shakespeare scenes performances, and the first Baylor Theatre Girls' Group meeting of the semester. So much to do! How on earth is all of this going to get done?

And did I mention that Martha has enlisted me to help her decorate her living/dining room? Design on a Dime Bailey-Style will be happening somewhere in the mix of all of this. Goodness gracious.

But what is life if not chaotic?
:)

I think it's time for homework though, so I'll leave you with a snap of the kitchen below. Enjoy!

It's amazing what a pair of shutters, some paint, a few wooden spoons and letters, clearance bulletin boards and an old set of blueprints can do to a formerly bland kitchen. Home sweet home.

Hazy

Stagnant. Still. Unmoving. Asleep. Idle. Gathering dust.Settled. Medium. Middle. Neither growing nor shrinking. Not moving forward or backwards. Redundant. Stationary. Stock still. Shoes melted to the floor. Sinking sand. Chains. Standstill. Locked door. Missing key. Uncertainty.

All of these things.

Frustration. Apathy. Worry. Anger. Stress. Difficulty. Crossroads. Fear. Helplessness. Observer. Spectator. Outside looking in. Inside looking out. Impatience. Restless. Irritation. Self loathing. Self centered.

All of these things.

Dreams. Dreamer. Hopes. Visions. Creativity. Books. Writing. Smiles. Laughter. Friends. Newness. Novelty. Resemblance. Eagerness. Theatre. Family. Home. Love. Faith. Romance. Happiness. Contentment. Silver lining. Greener grass. Second chances. Next time. Peace.

All of these things.

Future. Present. Past. Schedule. Planner. Organization. Chaos. Management. Control. Release. You. Me. Him. Her. Everyone. No one. Tomorrow. Today. Yesterday. Someday. Eternity.

LIFE.

All of these things are just a few of the things on my mind these days. Hoping and praying for some clarity soon. Prayers are welcomed and will surely be returned. Maybe a more detailed post later.

Jump Then Fall

Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to--


What? It's July 17th already? Since when??
Hm... Guess it's not my birthday anymore. Oh well.


Even if today is now tomorrow, I had an absolutely fantastic birthday yesterday. Went out to lunch with Claire and Chelsi at La Madeleine then shopped with Claire and her mom until it was time for dinner with the gang at The Cheesecake Bistro. I have been so blessed with so many new, wonderful friends here! We had a great time, ate wonderful food and simply enjoyed each others' company. As a friend just reminded me, sometimes simple or simply can be quite nice.


Claire and I spent a good amount of time a Barnes&Noble today (I love that place!) and I found about seven books that are on my next-to-buy list. I should actually write that list down at some point, shouldn't I? Most were novels, and the majority of those were spin offs or near to the topics of Pride&Prejudice, Jane Austen, or Shakespeare. I reminded myself that I have three books of those same sorts packed away for the apartment that I should read first before I go buy new ones. Not that I'm going to have much time to read once we're in the apartment. There is absolutely no break between Footloose and Gypsy so once school begins and summer ends, things will remain in full swing.


Speaking of the apartment, Claire and I got some cute decorations for the apartment today, too. Some picture frames and wall decorations, things of that nature. It'll be fun to get things all situated and set up the way we want it. But getting to the apartment means several things, the saddest of which will be that the summer is over and I have to leave all my wonderful Central friends.


But let's not think about that. It's these wonderful friends that I have the next month to spend with. In and out of rehearsals, making plenty of memories that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Each and every one of these new friends of mine hold a special place in my heart. They've also taught me many valuable things this summer and I cannot wait to keep learning.


Like tonight, beyond being blessed with such fun friends, I am blessed to be surrounded by a group of fellow believers who love to encourage one another and give glory to God and His crown. Seriously. Tonight when we were out after dinner, we were approached by a street evangelist. If he did nothing else, he got me thinking, which I believe was a very good thing. He presented a challenge and a thought, prodding me to evaluate where I stand and what I think on a few things. It reaffirmed the belief and joy in the fact that everything happens for a reason. Nothing is a coincidence or chance. We met him for a reason.


I mean, come on! We went to the Apple store because Garrett wanted to buy something for his iPhone, but it was closed. We lingered outside just talking until a security guard asked us to move over (which made no sense at the time why on one area of concrete we seemed like troublemakers but on the next we were perfectly acceptable, nonthreatening teenagers) and then out comes the evangelist to our little group and tada. Whether we were meant to meet him for me to have something to think about, for him to be encouraged by a large group of believers, or for the man who approached asking "how do you know what heaven tastes like?" to simply have someone to talk to, or whether it was for some other reason we are never to know, it is still exciting that there is a reason!

I may write more later, but right now, I'm exhausted. Just had to get a few thoughts out :]
Goodnight all!

Airplanes

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now.

On the way to CCT just now, I heard the song with these lyrics for the first time. I'd seen the lyrics posted on a multitude of statuses on Facebook over the past few weeks, but I truly had never heard the recorded version. A lucky guess led me to find that Hayley Williams is the voice behind the words; each repetition of the four lines were a breath of fresh air from the lengthy rapped majority of the song. But then I got to thinking...

I don't need to pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars even though I could really use a wish right now. I've got something that rings with far more truth than a silver 757 with a blinking light that only pretends to be a star moving across the sky. I've got Someone that can grant me more than a wish, a wish that comes with a catch and a clause saying that I can't tell anyone or it won't come true. I don't have 3000 feet of cold, polluted air between me and my Dream-Giver.

"When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" Psalm 8: 3-4

You could say that I've got my lucky stars to thank for the Someone I have, but then I'd beg to differ. I have no fortunate orbs of hot gas to praise for the relationship I have with a true Light to the world. I have only He Himself to thank time and time again for the sacrifice He made and the love He has for me. His love is unlike any other's; it is unending and unconditional. It is everlasting and enticing. He wants to draw us near to Him.

Next time you look up at the sky, really look. You might see a shooting star; isn't it beautiful? Maybe it was an airplane; isn't the mind God gave us --the mind with the capacity to create such a marvel-- incredible?

He named each star as He set it in place. He knows every detail about that star: it's temperature, age, distance from earth, and the precise moment at which you'll look at it. It's the same with me and with you. He knows every detail about us: how many hairs are on our head, the speed at which thoughts race through our minds, our exact age down to the millisecond, and exactly where you're sitting and what you're doing right now. That amazes me.

As far as wishes go, I will agree that it is fun to have an image or a thought in mind when you blow out the candles atop a birthday cake (whether they number five or nineteen) and it's a familiar scene in our favorite movies when the main character closes their eyes tight and ties all her hopes and dreams to the bright light flashing across the sky. That's great, really, but is it real?

Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Guess what? That means He knows what they are. He knows every dream, goal, hope and wish that you have for today, tomorrow, and beyond. He knows the ones you had yesterday. He knows the ones you had when you were six. He knows them and He placed them in your heart --the special place that should be reserved for Him-- so that He can safeguard them and form them and see them through.

Romans 8:26-28 tells us that the Spirit helps us and intercedes for us, going for the Lord on our behalf when we do not know what to think or pray. The One who knows us best also knows how to pray for us best and prepare for us best. All things work for the good of His will and purpose which is exciting in itself.

What's exciting to me is that it's okay to have dreams! It's okay to have high hopes and wishes! God has them too! He has so many plans and dreams for this world that He is absolutely eager to see come to life, and He want's us to help Him.

He doesn't need us to, for He could certainly do it on His own, but we should feel honored that He wants our help. Us! Lowly, sinful, unclean us. He has chosen us, gifted us, to live with Him in eternity should we love Him and trust Him, beliving in Him and inviting Him into our hearts.

Our God is so good! I could go on forever. And I will :)
That is the only plan I have right now: to sing His praises, do His work, and stand in awe of Him forever! That plan sounds good to me.

Beautiful, Beautiful

Don't take for granted who you are. We spend years of our lives trying to be someone else. We envy the way someone dresses, are jealous of the attention someone recieves; we want to become the center of attention as easily as the girl two seats away from us. We wish we walked differently, talked differently, dress, acted, ate, sang differently.

But then, don't we admire the people we do because they are unlike anyone else? It's their originality that makes such an impact. It's the things that make them unique that we all chase after so badly.

Don't you know that no one else talks the way you do? No one smiles with the same intensity and no one's eyes blink in the same pattern. No one has the same fingerprints, morning bedhead, or itunes library as you. No one dots their i's or crosses their t's the same as you. You are uniquely you.

No one's silent laugh of amusement is the same as yours. No one walks across hot concrete, wades through cool water, or takes the stage the same way you do. The way you count out change or determine your left from your right is wholly yours. The path of where you look for your missing keys and the time you take to choose your words are unlike anyone else's. What hurts your feelings and what cheers you up, they're yours, too. You are uniquely you.

The way you unconsciously twist your hair and the self-made song you tap your fingernails to are yours as well. The strength with which you love, the gravity with which you believe, the lengths to which you trust; all those are yours. The qualities in yourself that you're thinking of right now? Yes, those are yours too.

I'm not sure where this came from, but it was something that appealed to me. Something sparked inside that I wanted to put into words. I am uniquely me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Yet I don't give my Creator enough thanks and praise for that as He deserves.

So, here is my thank you. Thank You, Lord, for the way You have created me. Thank You for all Your unique creations in this world. Thank You for the ones I've met and those I haven't. Thank You for putting up with us when we criticise Your work, and please forgive us for doing it. You remind us of Your brilliance and creativity in everything we come across. Thank you so much!

And to anyone who reads this, never ever forget that you are uniquely you. He made you the way you are for a reason, and He loves you just as you are!